this is where i live...this is where i do my screaming

This is where I live…this is where I do my screaming”

Wake up. Take the dog downstairs to pee. Lazy Steps. Walk back up the stairs. Messy Hair. Aggressive toothbrushing. One long and hard look in the mirror. This is not how I imagined my life would be. Something to look forward to. Oh yea my personal haven. Mouth still toothpasty. A bowl of cornflakes in one hand. The paper in the other. I turn the Pc on. 10 New messages. Click-all spam. Click-Britney Spears Shaves Head instead of giving head. Click-Writing Website. Click Earning Report. “Still Unpaid”.

This is exactly how all my mornings have started since I graduated. After a few bad interviews I realized I didn’t want to apply ever again. Okay so I lied at an interview and they figured it out. Is it really important to know the course ‘Media Management’ for a media management company? I don’t think so.

Hell. My social life is non-existent. The friends I had made in college were too busy with jobs and mostly their own ‘grown-up lives’. My school friends had all gotten married and had actual real life babies.

Masters. Another thing on my mind. I didn’t want to study further. I didn’t want to spend two more years doing something I wasn’t passionate about. This is what I had initially thought right after graduation. After day in day out of sitting on the pc searching the latest celebrity breakups and meltdowns I’d now actually enjoy studying warehousing even. Anything to get me out of this dump.

When you’re a kid, every time you’re having your exams the best stuff comes on TV. I had always fantasized of sitting at home with no school or homework and just hours and hours of television. After watching re-runs of re-runs of friends Seinfeld and MASH, I have realized TV is just overrated.

Family huh? Parents. Both too busy. Sisters. Both working. My mothers a political-religious-freakavist. She spends all her time at home and outside campaigning against the Jews. “Can I go to the school party”…”No beta these parties are Jewish conspiracies to make our kids forget Islam”. My dad on the other hand is a very intelligent man, makes lots of money trading on the stock exchange. Though slightly KOOKOO. If you tell him you have a particular disease or an illness or even a headache. He’s going to tell you he has the same thing the same symptoms. Quite neurotic actually. Last month he thought he had glaucoma. He went to 5 different doctors took five different tests. Doctors told him he was perfect. He couldn’t believe it so he started the Glaucoma medication anyway. Last year it was some kidney problem, the year before his stomach. I’ve just stopped counting now.

My eldest sisters getting married. She’s this big career woman with “goals” and “objectives”. She knows what she wants in life and always gets it. And yes I’m completely and totally jealous of her. I can’t decide what shoes to wear let alone what I want in life.

The other one’s a party animal. She’s funny and smart and people genuinely love her. She has a million friends. Again I’m completely and totally jealous of her. Yea but her happy persona is all outside this house. When she comes back from work she’s just tired cranky and depressed. The last time I saw her laugh was actually never.

So we’re all living in our own little personal hells. Hiding behind happy masks. Waking up everyday hoping the next will be better. Pretending to be a happy picture perfect family.