Five years later I could compare you to alot of people!

I think I’m letting go of him. Every passing minute, every passing hour, every passing day, erases a part of him from my memory. I push it away in the darkest part of my mind where I’d never have to search for it again. I know to completely forget him would take an eternity. Just too many memories, too many laughs shared, too many secrets revealed, too many goodbyes. Sometimes these memories come flooding, invading my insides, tearing at my heart, and I find myself defenseless and then the inevitable tears begin.

I think of life with him and life without him and find it hard not to curse my fate. I sing sad songs and I write suicidal poetry. At school I hear people snickering “She’s on drugs” and I smile to myself and wish that was my only problem. Food and sleep are my sole saviors. Today I eat my double fudge chocolate swirl cake and surprisingly I feel my heart healing. I sleep and I forget. That’s the best part of my day.

I wake up and nausea hits me and for ten seconds I can’t breathe. Weakly I prop myself up and my head seems to hurt so much that it would almost break off and fall to the floor. In spite of the headache I laugh at the image of someone breaking off my head like a Barbie’s. It’s funny how matters of the heart seem to have such an effect on your body. And it’s even funnier how the worse disease can’t compare to a heart ache. I hear the birds singing and I promise myself not to feel depressed. Not today at least , but another ten minutes later I find myself listening to Sinead O Connors, Nothing compares to you….

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since u took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since u took your love away
Since u been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

So much for my resolution! The music seems to aggravate my headache. I don’t turn it off. My mother notices my edginess and asks if I'm okay. I tell her I’m better than ever. I know she sees past my fake smiles but she reluctantly lets me go. I wave goodbye. I hate school. I’m behind schoolwork and failing term papers. I decide to make up for it. I’ll make up for everything. Instead I skip Geography and sit in my little corner with my Discman on full blast letting the pounding of my heart and head become in sync with the music. I enjoy it. I don’t know if it’s been a minute or an hour when abruptly my worst nightmare comes to brighten my day. One of my ardent admirers. She asks why I missed class and I tell her that I fucking felt like it. She somehow finds it funny I see her flashing her repulsive decayed teeth. She babbles on how I’m in trouble with all the teachers and id better shape up. I tell her to go away and she giggles again her shoulders shaking and I find myself distracted from her teeth to her pussy pimples and wondered if I sat all day counting her pimples would I be able to count them all. She promises to write out my assignment. I go to my next class. Sit on my favorite chair at the back of the hall. The chair where I sat all year long, failing every quiz and exam. It was my Jupiter—with the greatest gravitational pull. I start sketching. No, I had absolutely no talent. I draw another stick figure and kill time. I get in trouble again with the geography teacher. The bell rings and it’s almost time to go home.

At home I eat another double chocolate centered caramel crème cake and I almost feel happy again. (almost). I watch Bridget Jones diary and I shed a few tears and I’m back to square one. I’m a sucker for romance, kill me. I sleep. Another day passes by, another part of him forgotten, another image faded, another memory lost and I think to myself “This too shall pass”.

(it does actually)